appreciation:
a noun, defined as a gratitude,
or thankful recognition, 
the act of estimating the qualities of things and giving them their proper value
clear perception or recognition, especially of aesthetic quality,
critical notice; evaluation; opinion, as of a certain situation or person.

Well thats the definition of it, as for me, i notice that in life, i constantly seek it; appreciation. I guess to put it in simple terms, i like to feel appreciated and i like to know that someone appreciates me. Maybe even so much so that i would like it if people i define as close to, show me that they appreciate me. Egoistic as it might seems, i like to feel appreciated, but, only when i have proven myself to be of worth to them obviously.

Why? Its simple, i find that appreciation's the easiest way of showing that you love the person, be it if that person's your brother, sister, father, mother, uncle, auntie, cousin, girlfriend, boyfriend, friend, best friend. Just showing that you understand and take notice of whatever they have done for you, be it something special, like a morning SMS to greet you and tell you that they love you or something thats ordinary and simple like helping your friend buy a drink. No matter what the situation is, i feel a little appreciation shown is always the best thing that you could ever do. 

How? Again its simple, a simple thank you, or a simple i love you, or a hug, a smile, a nice sentence like "Hey thanks for always being that constant in my life", or maybe returning the favor in a similar way, or maybe something not so simple like buying a gift to thank that person, or maybe even a combination of any of the above, that would be a great way to show your gratitude or appreciation to that person.

I've always thought about how in life, that appreciation's always needed, especially with regards to people you consider dear to you. Take it as an example, a boyfriend of a girlfriend, always showing each other love, always being there for each other, and maybe the guy's always there with comforting words whenever the girl's broken, and the girl's always buying stuff for the guy out of love, wouldn't a simple sentence like "hey baby, thanks for the gift i really loved it a lot" or "hey thanks for just being there for me all the time, hearing me and giving me advice, i really thank God for you being there for me", makes things better between this couple? Yes, i know sometimes people say hey but maybe the gift is the sign of gratitude, but yet again, thats assumption, and we all know that in life, assumptions can make a fool out of you, or maybe in this case cause the couple to drift apart, cause one of them might assume that yes the gift is the sign of gratitude, and the other might think that "hey, doesn't she appreciate what i do at all?" and think that the gift's a whole different matter, with no relation to being used as a sign of gratitude. And what d you get in the end? Either one of them not feeling loved properly, and then you get a relationship that's not smooth sailing and maybe even shaky.

Another example, think about a father, who brings up his child from young, loving the child so much, always spending time with his child when he/she was younger, but when this child grew up, and the child felt awkward to communicate like he/she used to to his dad, never telling the dad that he/she loves him, or appreciates him for all that the dad has done in raising him/her. Wouldn't this father feel the somewhat sad, or neglected? What if the dad felt that buying gifts for the child was the only way of him still showing the child that he still loved him/her, and the child never said a word of thanks, wouldn't this dad feel lost or unwanted?

So  think about it, from these 2 scenarios, appreciation could make life better for them. It could have formed a great relationship between the girl and the guy, which would also carry on later in their lives ( referring  to learning to show each other appreciation) into their marriage, and form a great loving couple, or for the 2nd scenario, of the child and the dad, a loving strong bonded father-child relationship, where the father can truthfully say and know that his life was well spent and well appreciated by his child when he finally is in his final moments of life, and maybe go off with a smile. See, its the simple things in life, that create these huge big implications later on in life, that can ease situations, and form unbreakable bonds of love, and also benefit all of us in the long run.

All it takes, is to show that appreciation, to that person that you love, and do it out of the blue, so that it'll mean so much more, since it'll overflow with sincerity and respect, to put a smile on his/her face. Funny eh, how one small word impacts life in such a large way, yes, funny indeed, one small word; appreciation.

wells i noticed i haven't been posting for like close to 2 plus or 3 months heh, well life's really been a roller coaster ride for me since then, i mean it has always been one for me, but yea ah wells, so many things has happened since then and i guess there's just too little time to blog about it, heh and not to mention i probably can't remember them all but ah wells, i got some pictures from my phone that i hope will help show what i've been doing over the months and oh yea some videos too heh real spastic ones! heh i guess right now i'm doing alright, although the insomnia's back and all and i'm falling sick due to lil rest, i guess i'll survive, i'll pull through, i mean after all right now i have so much to live on in life, a new perspective, a new responsibility, a new happiness i guess :) thats all for now, enjoy the pics....              this is one of our interesting cell lessons
something i drew in that same lesson when i was bored    

              
                                    Lana Chocolate Cake Shop with Yx, Lisa and Yx's mum buying cake (b4 Lisa left for UK)

                

Maurice, Samantha, Amanda and Jeanne @ YMLC 2008(Malaysia)         Worship during YMLC 2008

        
                                                             The golf course at the resort we stayed at during YMLC 2008

     My lousy painting which i did when i was uber bored


      Muz toying around in the shop yvonne works in, in wistma, heh


    And finally the dudes(chinwoo, zhiwei, zhenyang,me, derrick) making newspaper balls to fill yx's room to "surprise" him for his bday today, heh we did rather a lot of paper balls, the idea was to make it like spill out when he opened the door, which kinda did heh

 F        C             Dm                 Am
A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
B                F            C
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
F          C           Dm                 Am While I recall all the words you spoke to me B                  F
Can't help but wish that I was there
      C
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah


F    C       Dm          C
Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
    B                      F
to hold her when I'm not around,
          C
when I'm much too far away
F        C         Dm           C
We all need that person who can be true to you
       B               F
But I left her when I found her
    C
And now I wish I'd stayed
            B             C
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
       *          Dm  C  B
I'm missing you again oh no
           F
Once again


F                C          Dm              Am
There's nothing here for me on this barren road
        B                         F
There's no one here while the city sleeps
      C
and all the shops are closed
F               C            Dm                 Am
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
B                 F              C
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah


F    C        Dm           C
Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
     B                        F
to hold her when I'm not around,
          C
when I'm much too far away
F      C         Dm             C
We all need that person who can be true to you
   B               F
I left her when I found her
    C        
And now I wish I'd stayed
           B              C
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
       *         Dm   C  B
I'm missing you again oh no
          F
Once again


Dm     *     B               F
Some search, never finding a way
Dm      *  B             F
Before long, they waste away
Dm      *  B                       F
I found you, something told me to stay
Dm   * B               F
I gave in, to selfish ways
Gm                         C
And how I miss someone to hold

when hope begins to fade...

F         C             Dm                 Am
A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
B               F            C
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find


F     C      Dm            C
Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
    B                F
to hold her when I'm not around,
         C
when I'm much too far away
F      C        Dm             C
We all need the person who can be true to you
    B             F
I left her when I found her
    C
And now I wish I'd stayed
           B              C
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
         *        Dm  C  B
I'm missing you again oh no
            F
Once again

no relations to the lyrics man, just love the song heh, nice tune, nice words heh, ah wells life's pretty mundane for now, for now. But i predict its not gonna be in like a week's time when more projects and test pour in T.T

wells i think its time i stopped telling the world of my troubles and just take it in, i mean, i feel its not as if it'll solve any solution, it'll just bore people to death or waste their time and money, so yea this is the last time i gues, no more after this, no more, it'll be just me battling those inner demons, from now on dean shall be somehow always fine when ppl ask.

muhuhahahahaha my new sexy sweet phone 

wells today sucked, like big time kinda suck man... got an F for one of my module's project while constitutes to 20% of the final mark for that module which really killed my day, and yea found out that i have about 4 or 5 more projects due, with 2 tests in between thos deadlines. and just when you think that thats all that could go wrong within a day, i found out that one of my test falls on the 12th of july, which is right smack in the middle of one of the days which i planned to leave the country for bangkok to see my relatives whom i haven't seen for like what 5 years plus? And then i have to deal with an insensitive sister who screamed at me for not going, saying i spoilt her whole day.

ah wells to look at it and analyse the problems one by one,  i would say the one about the many projects and tests, weren't the reason for my sucky day, i guess it just added to the whole load. What really got me was the F for the project and the whole trip being canceled thing. I guess the F grade really pissed me off due to the fact that i spent like 8 bucks developing the pictures for the project and i got an F coz the teacher thought the photo wasn't up to standard, when the others submitted only black and white print ads, whereas i submitted a fullcoloured picture ad which i took with my camera, and she felt that our creative brief wasn't too good and our point of sale item was off point so with those 3 factors she decided to give us a F grade. Oh yes by the way this teacher also happens to be the most hated teacher by my class, and i can see why they hate her. 

What made it worse was that i found out the same module had a written test during the days which i planned to go to bangkok. At first i asked the teacher whether or not i can skip it since its my grandmother's first death anniversary and plus i'm the eldest grandson of the family, she just said oh no cannot, not good enough a reason, why not reschedule another time, since i think the board won't approve, so i was like shit there goes my holiday/visiting my relatives for another year. I guess right now you'll robably think oh why am i so spoilt and difficult, must go in the middle of the school term wells coz its been 5 years since i last visited my relatives, and within those 5 years i lost my grandma and my grandfather, and i never got to see them for the last time before they passed on, and i only managed to attend the funeral of my grandfather, since my grandma passed away during my prelims of sec 4. Right now i'm only thinking of how useless a grandson i am not being able to even be there at either of my grandparents' side before they passed off, furthermore the last time they saw me before they died was when i was primary 5 (for my grandfather) and sec 1 (for my grandmother). They never ever got to see me when i wwas like older, and it really gets to me how useless i am not being able to even let them see how i've turned out to look like older, or even show them wat i'm like now in terms of character. Furthermore i didn't even get a chance to try to convert them to christians before they die, and this only means i'll never ever get to see them again, like never forever ever. Its real depressing coz when you come to think of it, i've not only let my grandparents down, i've let all my dad's side family members down, i've even let God down in a way, and i feel so so damn useless. I mean what kind of impression will my relatives think of me, "oh he's probably some insensitive bastard who doesn't care about his relatives or grandparents, they die also dun come funeral" and what if i loose another relative if i dun visit, wouldn't that just be worse. I mean this just sucks to the max man it only pushes my self esteem issues further down to a new point of low that i've never been able to forsee. 

After telling my dad that i couldn't go, he then decides and tries to persuade my sister to not go also, which means my sister now thinks that i'm the cause of screwing up her holiday plans. Yea my sister just wants to go there for shopping and relaxation, just because its her holidays now, and she thinks that i'm coming up with excuses to not go when i tell her of my deadline of projects during that time and tests that somehow fall during those times. So when i ask her why not go during august when my holiday starts, she just replies no no cannot i have school then, so then why can't she just forgo her school just to go then? i mean after all it just seems more plausible, since its only the starting few days of her school then, no lectures and all as compared to my school days which is chalked up wid tests and project deadlines. Her reason is simply no she wants it her way and now means now, no rationing, just pure screaming into the phone, yes as childish and selfish as it might  seem, thats my sister for you and she's 22 this year, any friends of her out there who dun agree with me and think that i'm lying all i've got to say is you'll never see that side of her till you become related to her by blood. So where does put me? It leaves me in the path of anger and disappointment, when i'm pissed with my sister for being so insensitive, and disappointed at myself for ruining my sister's holiday, yea so to summarise it all up it jst freaking leaves me to be totally   USELESS

In the wise words of russel peters "buffet is over there, and you watch your language or somebody gotta getta hurt real bad"
wells today my lunch buffet was at one degree 15, some country club at sentosa, thanks to zhiwei's mum who invited me and spenc and derrick.
after that we headed to town to watch a movie, "get smart"

 

"and into thin air he vanishes"
                                             - anonymous

to live in deception, self denial, or simple terms lying yourself. Many a times i wonder if i'm actually guilty of that, painting this totally false image infront of my eyes, making myself buy into the lie that i wanna believe in. Do i do that?

I wonder if all this while i've just been buying into this huge lie that i'm creating for myself. I know it seems as if its wonderful living in that lie, but then there comes a point where reality budges in, and demands its recognition. So the next question is how am i gonna deal with this reality? Do i plummet through the skies, like falling star, waiting to crash and burn when it hits the ground? Sometimes thoughts of my mind just run wildly without any directions or restriction, and it sucks coz sometimes it just pokes fun at me, at other times it can be so intriguing that I can go sleepless for nights just to undermine that single thought.

Yes, the greatest irony of all has finally been found; the stupid boy thinks he thinks too much.

wells this was my lil lomo day, where i went on a photo taking spree, with my lomo cams, holga and fisheye 2, 35mm and 120      

wells, just came home from soccering, so so tired, averaged like only 5 plus hours of sleep every night for the past 4 nights, heh, wells gd thing that this coming week's elearning heh, its gonna be slack wooo but then gotta study for CTs, @ PAPERS ONLY HEHEH but yea gotta aim to do well in it (: hope i do

wells just came back from the class barbeque, which was uber fun, heh super funny man, wid all the weird happenings heh! pics to be up soon when i get it...
(:

MOTHER"S DAY
 

wells its my first time using livejournal, hope its gonna be easy to upload photos(<--main reason why i got Lj)heh wells today was slack watching drillbit taylor, uber funny man i tell ya